The thing about writing something

The thing about writing something, especially when you are making it public, such as for a blog or a book, is that you expose yourself. If you say too much you might actually reveal some deep part of yourselves mistakenly for all to see. Sometimes this is a big fear of mine. I don’t want to just write about the “good things” in my life only and present myself as non-human. As though all that “bad stuff” that happens to others never touches my life. People like good news, but if they hear it all the time they start to think of it as mundane, or just plain don’t believe it.
But once you put the proverbial pen to the paper you start to reveal yourself. Now my biggest temptation is to fabricate myself. To write in a trendy, enlightened, post-modern way which makes me sound intelligent, wise and generally like someone who has it all together. I want to speak about the topic of peace. I want to be a peace ambassador, and in fact, I not only want to see changes in the world, I want people to know my name. I want to be spoken highly of. When I do that though, I realize that I am not being very selfless and altruistic in my pursuit of peace. I realize for some reason I want to be recognized; I want to know that I have some sort of significance in this world. Why is that? I think all people feel that way some time or another. I want to make a difference in the world, but the problem is that I want the world to turn around afterward and thank me.
So for me writing sometimes feels like a very vain thing to do. I mean really, who am I to tell you something. Why should you listen to me? Do I think I have it all together as if I am the expert on life? No, of course not, but it is tempting sometimes to think that way.

I like reading books, especially ones where authors are sharing from their own life experiences and are teaching on life lessons and Christian spirituality and such. I am thankful to those authors. But I probably would be turned off to reading their books if I found out they wrote only to gain my appreciation or adoration. If that was their main motivation for writing I would feel cheated. As though all the antidotes and wise lessons, and incites on life that were contained inside were just a ploy to get me to endorse them. It would be like going to a conference or seminar about some topic that you enjoy and it turns out to be a filming for an infomercial

So it comes down to this. By all means possible I am trying to really write the truth. I am trying to write without an ulterior motive of gaining applause. I want to be open and honest, but I don’t want to reveal my deepest darkest secrets to the whole world. I want to make a difference, for real, but I will admit that I am not a great candidate for it. What I mean is I have nothing special in myself that could help me to help anyone else. I need to change myself and my thinking in order to be of any help to someone else. I make mistakes, but then I change my perspective. I do not see the world the same way I saw it 5 years ago. In fact, I would say I don’t even see it the same way I saw it 2 months ago. I am constantly being changed. But it is for the good. I guess that is what theologians call sanctification. I am thankful for God working in me, giving me the desire and the power to do what pleases him.